Looking for Death
by Maineiac
Summary: Someone reflects as the search for the end


Looking for Death Rated R for language Warning, character death  
  
I do not have the honor of owning any of the characters from BtVS, they belong to Joss.  
  
I apologize for not updating Shadow's Chosen, I am stumped on it right now, but I have not forgotten about it.  
  
Someone once told me the world would die, not with a bang, but a whimper. They were wrong, the world died with a scream, torn from the throats of innocent children and a caring man. True, the world is still here, for some, but for me, it died that day, there is only one problem now, my body does not know it yet. I breath, I eat, but that is it, I don't live, I exist. I go into a fight, not caring if I come out of it, and I think that's what scares the other so much.  
  
They don't understand. They were my life, I had nothing before them, nothing worth living for, and now, without them, I don't want to live. Why can't I die? Why can't I join my love and my children?  
  
That day is burned into my mind, I remember every moment from the time I woke till the time they died. So stupid, so senseless, we've faced hell itself and came out alive, but how can you stop something you can't see?  
  
It was supposed to be a family day, just the four of us, having fun, enjoying the quiet that having other's like me, out there stopping the evil of the world, could give us, but how could we have forgotten the evil that was man?  
  
The lower part of the house is a mess, I trashed it after I got home, and it's stayed that way since, I won't let anyone in to clean it, they can't know the pain, the emptiness I feel. Walking in the door, without my heart, I could not stand the sight of their things left casually around and my grief, bottle inside me for a month had exploded, I don't think there is anything left on the first floor that's not broken.  
  
You want to know what happened? I'll tell you what the fuck happened! A fucked up drunk collage kid rammed his truck into our car, the last thing I heard was the screams of my children, such little children, and Xander's, my sweet Xander's cry of pain.  
  
He had forgiven me, did you know that? The man I tried to strangle, when all he wanted to do was help me, how screwed up is that? I didn't deserve his forgiveness, but he gave it to me anyway. He showed me that he was not like the others, he cared, even when his heart was broken, when Anya died, he still came to see me, stopping me from turning myself back in to the cops.  
  
How did he stop me? A mere mortal man? He told me he needed my help. That was it, that's all he said, and I followed him to the ends of the Earth from that moment on. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't all good times between us, we had a rough start. I wasn't sure how to act around him, and he still twitched if I touched him, two damaged people in the group of misfits. Yeah, it was all sunshine and roses.  
  
I'm not sure when our love first started, maybe it was when he saved me from a slimy demon that wanted to breed more of it's kind. Disgusting things, laid there eggs in living flesh, I woke up for a month after feeling like my skin was crawling with things.  
  
Or maybe it was on one of those nights when he showed up at my door, drunk as a skunk, not remembering where his own room was and I nursed him through his hangovers. Funny, he never tried anything, I think that's what drew me to him then, his loyalty to his lost love. I was to scared of losing his reluctant friendship to make a pass at him.  
  
It wasn't till a year or so later that we both realized that there was more then that between us, and started our rocky romance, we would have some good times, and boy, were they good, and the fights, more like world war 3 or something, but the making up was so worth it. Course, it did lead to a few surprises, two to be exact, Jesse and Jackie, Xander slept on the couch for a week after I found out how potent his little swimmers were. Twins, named for his best friend and the first person to give a damn about me. I never looked back from then, they were my whole world, perfect little angels.  
  
Damn that drunk to hell! I lost EVERYTHING cause of him, and he walked away without a scratch. If I had not been laid up for a month cause of him, he would never have made it too trial. I would have killed him. As it was, the bastard only got 2 years for killing them. Two fucking years for taking the lives of 3 beautiful souls.  
  
Hey, wake up you dumb shit! Just cause I've beaten the crap out of you doesn't mean you can pass out. Useless demons. I should just kill ya now, you know it, but I want your buddies to show up, and they won't if you die. Telepathic distress calls don't work if your dead. Who knows, maybe one of your buddies will even get lucky, if they ever get here.  
  
Ya, your right, this is a suicide mission. I picked it special, but I will not make it easy for ya, I'll fight to the end, maybe I'll even win, just means I gotta find another mission after is all. It's like Fang said, gotta fight, can't give in. I won't, but I want it to.  
  
FINALLY, bout time you boys showed, me and dipstick here were having a chat, don't think he was listening to well, but I'm ready to party now anyway.  
  
Damn, they hit hard, but I hit harder. I think I killed that one with one kick, so much for them being tough. Why are they backing off? Get back here you wimps! I'm not done with you.... SHIT! That hurts.  
  
Hey Xan, I'll be seeing you real soon now. 


End file.
